Well well well...

Ok.. I'm really bad at this whole blog thing. I know. But what other excuse could I come up with to further put off doing my homework? Yeah.. So, I survived the first week of school. Barely. And now as the second week is finishing out... well.. I got nothing. I really am not happy at SW so far this year.. Part of me knows its just high school, but another part is reminding me that it wasn't this bad last year... with all my best friends. Who for the most part, all left.

Apparently I'm really bad at making friends. I actually don't think I've made any yet this year. I have people that I know, yes. I have people that hug me in the hallways and shout "SAMI!!!" which is always nice... yeah.. But there's a big line between the slightly superficial clique of friends, and the ones I've made and can actually talk to.

Even I didn't expect things to start out quite so rough... and that's saying a lot. After the first day Nate came over after school to cheer me up, which was nice. And its been really REALLY helping things to be doing stuff like writing music. Stuff that actually creates something. Same with writing, and drawing.. and art in general.

Uck. I really don't like school. And then, as always... there's the anxiety attacks and such. Lunch time is the worst. Somehow there was formed and obligation to sit with this certain friendly, loud, mellow dramatic, hyperactive, and generally insane group of people during lunch. Which is cool and all... unless you, like me, have anxiety issues and end up having a panic attack the second you are put into such a situation. And I -do- like being with people.. its just lethal sometimes.

I think the roughest part of this entire transition from summer to school is that my therapist has gone on vacation for the month of September. Leaving me to rough the first month out on my own, after a calm summer with constant help. Uckuckuck.

I honestly would love to run away to some rustic mountain scene and live in a little shack in the woods, living off the land. Sounds like a nice enough break.. completely and totally alone. Ahhhh... And then another part of me would love even more to just curl up into a fetal position humming songs and meditating until June. And then, anOTHER part of me kind of just wants to crawl into a hole somewhere and stay there.

Well, I'd better be doing my homework. Ewwww...

Funfunfun. No, not really.

I am SO not looking forward to this school year as of now.. Yeah.. the below little thing is actually how I feel inside right now. The last thing I want now is to be thrown back into the chaos of 1700+ kids.. I was just coming to terms with the peace. The panic attacks were just beginning to subside and then- poof. September is back. Tomorrow the vicious cycle begins again, and I face another year of fighting it all off.

Also, with Heather, Alex, and Nate all gone.. I'm feeling like I'm off to a rather lonely start. Jackie will be there! But even so.. she seems to have her own little thing going. Which is really cool =) I'm just gonna be on a quest for friends I suppose. Or just really lonely. Either one works I guess.

At least as school begins I know that I'll be flexible with time from the start. No relationship commitments that require time after school right now, meaning time to make sure I can actually do my work and try to keep my grades up this year. Which I completely failed to do last year. >.<

Speaking of relationship.. I don't know what I'm gonna do. It's gonna be nice to have time and space, but to be in a relationship I'm also somehow supposed to handle feeling bad about not being able to see him as well as doing whatever I can to see him when the chance comes around.

Don't get me wrong, I really care about him.. but right now with all the other torrents of rushing emotion and anxiety.. Part of me is just tired of the whole relationship scene. Exhausted and wanting to feel at least somewhat free and independent, but with those feelings- especially without all my friends closeby- loneliness seems to set in all too quickly. I guess I'm just in search for a happy medium.. that seems so be my life so far.

Well, I'm gonna go back to sleep now. Being woken up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep was an all too painful reminder of what lies in the path ahead. Welcome back, September. >_<

But... Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddd

... I dun wanna go to SCHOOL!!!!! T^T
- Now Sami, crying like you're 6 won't get you anywhere
- *sobs*
- Sami, be a big girl and go to school
- But... What if the other kids are MEAN!? *sob*
- I'm sure the other kids will all be very nice
- You said that LAST year!!
- Yes.. well.. this worked when you were in Kindergarten and everyone actually was nice...
- *sob* I hate school you can't make me- Wait.. how am I? How did you..? "Now class, today we will disc-" OH COME ON THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE!!! *hides in corner* *sob*

Well then...

I really need God right now... Yeah, that should do it. Some kind of savior to explain the world and all its mystery. Some answer to all my question. Some way to forgive myself for the countless mistakes. Some thing to be able to honestly say its gonna be ok.

Yeah, I think God will do the trick.

Camp next week is actually starting to sound like a good idea again.. We'll see.

Ouch

Oh God, why does it have to hurt so much? Everything… I somehow managed to severely stress a muscle in my shoulder… Well, actually, it’s more that I re-aggravated it from stressing it a couple years ago. It seriously hurts to move my arm at all. And then, as usual, I’m stuck over-contemplating things. I was up til four in the morning… just thinking (not to mention crying) and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I’m doing. I never have. IT’S SUMMER ALREADY! I SHOULD BE HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE! But somehow, every night its like a harsh grey and lonely winter for me.

I want to talk to someone. Not about this, not about anything. I can’t explain it, but there is just some kind of extreme relief just to be talking, or listening for that matter. Just to hear that there is some other kind of emotion left in the world. That people aren’t robots, and that we aren’t all doomed to this kind of stress. That there’s some larger point, and, after having been lectured for a near hour on how God couldn’t possibly exist, and how there is no point… well. I just don’t know. I don’t doubt His existence, sure… but really, is there a point to this other than pure amusement? Because as of now, I’m not amused.

So, anyways, yeah.. up til 4, eventually doing something I probably shouldn’t have.. but that’s a different story. I woke up this morning, actually afternoon, to a headache, shoulder aching so bad that my whole torso seems to be affected, and a billion texts from boyfriend accusing me of ignoring him, when I was actually sleeping. Cute, huh? T_T

Yes, these harsh grey and lonely nights… now seeping into my used-to-be sunny mornings.

A warning to anyone that may or may not talk to me anytime soon: don’t push me. For your own safety, just don’t.

I love you, Katie.. XD

Sami Baby by ~Dragyn-angel on deviantART

"Just a real quick sketch of my darling best friend. Normally I'd spell wrawr as rawr, but she spells it wrawr, so I did too ^-^
I love this sketch soo much."

~ Katie ( hairykingkong.blogspot.com )

Summer! ^_^

So, things have been pretty amazing. =) Without the stresses of school, my life is almost perfect! Almost... :)
So far this summer I have visited 7 different states, and from Indiana brought back my cousin Miranda for a couple weeks. We've been having a blast! Hanging out with Taylor and Zach and wreaking havoc within the city. It's been great. :)
Unfortunately though I haven't hung out with ANYBODY from school all summer. x-x
I'm missing some of my friends, though they've been as busy as me. :P
This summer has so far been one of the best ones in a very long time.. Maybe ever.. =D
Well, I'm gonna go plan out the rest of my day, I only have two weeks to show Miranda all the best parts of MN. Better get busy.. lol.