And I was doing so well.. =/

Over the past 6 or so months (excluding this past while) here is what has happened with me-

I went from being extremely asocial, scared of people, self conscious, trying to be invisible and generally anxious and afraid to- Getting tons of friends, my confidence going through the roof, anxiety attacks cut down by at least 4/5, generally happy, social, and generally loving everything.
I used to hide in the library during lunch just to avoid talking to people. I didn't really have any friends at school and I never really talked to the ones I did have. I was having panic attacks 1-3 times a day. (If you've never had an anxiety attack, you couldn't ever imagine how horrible it is. It would get to the point that I began getting anxious but I was so scared of having a panic attack that I would actually get one). It came to a point that the bad in my life outweighed the good by far and I was actually beginning to feel as though I had nothing to live for. I never told anybody about this at the time, and even now only 1 or 2 people know about it.
But then everything flipped for me. I was spending more time with the people I love and care about, I was getting more friends than I've ever had, I little reason to ever be anxious or sad and so I was, well... me! If you know me, really know me, you know that I'm the farthest away from shy or self-conscious there is. You'd know that while it may be hard to believe, I really love myself and the people I so often surround myself with.
This is getting long and far from my point, but I'm just trying to show the contrast between these two people... so hang in there with me..
I was so much happier that, at first, the thought of going back to the way things were before scared me beyond belief. I was so scared of any sign of change in my life, from anxiety, to lack of social activities to stresses in my relationship with Terrell that I would avoid it all completely. And even now, I'm so scared.. especially with the return of some of these feelings, moods... I don't know how to feel about the relationship anymore.
But this time, things are different. I have friends, really good friends, that I can trust to be there for me. People I can talk to and seek advice from. People I can spend time with to take my mind of things. Things are much better. I think...
I'm so anxious now.. so scared.. Panic attacks are coming back, my grades are falling below and acceptable level, I was supposed to be planning a party this past week that I'd forgotten about completely. I've been avoiding my parents (being my dad and ginger) and staying with my mom when possible... Even this weekend, going up north did sound kind of fun, but I couldn't stand the thought. I love them, of course, but whenever I'm talking to them I feel like such a failure. and what reason do I have not to?
I haven't been sleeping either, which doesn't help the whole situation. For a while I'd thought it was just sleep deprivation but now that I'm thinking more clearly, I'm finding that I feel worse. Which is a horrible thought...
Yeah.. enough of this rambling. I doubt anyone will read this anyways, but what better way to vent? At least I'm not keeping people up all night on IM trying to be a good friend and help me solve my stupid little problems. Poor Taylor.. lol..
Ok I'm done :)

Hope you guys are having a good weekend..
Love you!
Sami