I love you, Katie.. XD

Sami Baby by ~Dragyn-angel on deviantART

"Just a real quick sketch of my darling best friend. Normally I'd spell wrawr as rawr, but she spells it wrawr, so I did too ^-^
I love this sketch soo much."

~ Katie ( hairykingkong.blogspot.com )

Summer! ^_^

So, things have been pretty amazing. =) Without the stresses of school, my life is almost perfect! Almost... :)
So far this summer I have visited 7 different states, and from Indiana brought back my cousin Miranda for a couple weeks. We've been having a blast! Hanging out with Taylor and Zach and wreaking havoc within the city. It's been great. :)
Unfortunately though I haven't hung out with ANYBODY from school all summer. x-x
I'm missing some of my friends, though they've been as busy as me. :P
This summer has so far been one of the best ones in a very long time.. Maybe ever.. =D
Well, I'm gonna go plan out the rest of my day, I only have two weeks to show Miranda all the best parts of MN. Better get busy.. lol.

check this out

http://www.awntv.com/videos/born-to-be-dead/

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

You're right.. I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know how to betray all of those memories.
I don't know how to keep them with me.
I don't know which path to choose.
I don't know how to please everyone.
I don't even know how to please me.
I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't know how to deal with you.

You think I don't care. You think that I want to see you hurt. You think that you're nothing more than an irritation in my life. You think I don't want you anymore.

You're wrong.

You fail to see the possibility that this is causing me just as much if not more pain than it does you.

Yes, in the end it was I that made the decision. I did it. I broke your heart. I hurt you.

Yet, who is it that stays up crying in the night?

I will accept your anger.
I will accept your frustration.
Take it all out on me and just let it go.
Say what you need to say, not what I want to hear.
I will accept the peace that follows, if there ever is any.

You know better than anyone how to hurt me.
What to say.
What to do.

You can tell yourself you can't.
You can tell yourself I'm heartless.
We both know its not true.

I don't hate you.
I don't even dislike you.

But this time, its your choice.
You choose from here how things will play out.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'm sorry if I'm hurting you now.

No longer can I tailor my life to other people's needs,
Because there is no one life that fits all.

With this realization-
Yes, I care about you.
No, I don't want to hurt you.
But I am done fitting my life to how you feel about it.
Even though, I know you never asked me to.

You ask me why I care,
And the answer I've given you remains.

Towards you I have felt a connection that I could never explain to anyone else.
I couldn't even explain it to you.
No, its not just a casual friend.
No, its no longer a lover.
But it still remains.
It may always remain,
Whether you choose to stay or go.

I know the trouble I've caused.
I despise myself for it.
And yet, dwelling on it helps no one.
I don't know how to help anyone.

This is not an excuse.
This is how I feel.

This is why we don't give hyper sami the internet plz.

11:33amSami
hey

11:33amTerrell
Hey :3

11:33amSami
O.O
I...

11:33amTerrell
o-o

11:33amSami
love you

11:34amTerrell
I love you too! ^-^

11:34amSami
:)
yaaaaaaaayy!!!!
^_^

11:34amTerrell
<3

11:34amSami
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooo
boreded..
:P

11:34amTerrell
Lol

11:35amSami
watching My Bloody Valentine
scary stuff..
lol

11:35amTerrell
Oh boy... lol

11:35amSami
not really
:)
its made for 3D but its not..
so you can tell which parts are sposed to be 3D
like this guys eye comes out at you when he gets stabbed with a pickaxe..
:P
cwazy

11:36amTerrell
lol

11:36amSami
whatchoo up to?
O_o_O

11:36amTerrell
Nothing much...

11:36amSami
hehe..
does like alien face?
O.o.O
aww man
it didn't work.. :P O_o_O
wrawr
I NEED ATTENTION NOW PLZ

11:38amTerrell
Lol

11:38amSami
IS BORED AND LONELY AND MAKING ALIEN FACES
O_O

kitteh alien monster..
<^o.o^>
hehe

11:39amTerrell
lol

11:39amSami
(>^^)>
I SURRENDER!!!! ^o_o^

11:40amTerrell
<(^+^<)

11:40amSami
:)
you seem busy..
:P

11:41amTerrell
Just trying to figure my day out...

11:41amSami
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmkkkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
n_n
kekekekekeke
WRAWR
monkey butt
ICE CREAM!

11:42amTerrell
Lol

11:42amSami
Orange juice

11:42amTerrell
<3

11:42amSami
Salad dressing!
O_O
I want a salad..
awwwwwww man..
no tengo lechuga para una ensalada...
ay carumba!
que mal!
pero...

11:43amTerrell
o-o

11:43amSami
yo quiero una ensalada
muchas
^-^
Me gusta ensalada
me gusta helado
me gusta la ensalada de frutas!!!!!
ensalada
de muchas frutas
ensalada
de muchas frutas
^-^
fruit salad
yummy yummy
fruit salad
yummy yummy
:)
can you tell I'm kind of bored?
O.o
O_O
O_o
o_O
o_o
O_O
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NOOOO
WATCH OUT FOR THE PICKAXE!
don't do it!!!!!

11:45amTerrell
o-o'

11:46amSami
^_^
ooh
scary guy in gas mask
WATCH OUT HES GONNA IMPAAAAAAAALE YOUUUUU!!!!!
In the brain!
^-^
or hand..
ouch
that's gotta hurt
o-o
GO GET EM!
hehe
wow
and to think..
OOOHHH
he got his brain!
eeeeewwwww
yucky
pickaxe man is icky
and is stealing hearts from literally brainless men..
its all red and gooshy
xP
yuck
have you started ignoring me?
O.o

11:49amTerrell
No... I r readings now

11:50amSami
^-^ you cant say I'm not at least a little interesting..

11:51amTerrell
More-so <3

11:51amSami
^_^
WRAWR
I'mmma bite you!
COOKIE!
wrawr :D

11:51amTerrell
Yay bites :3

11:51amSami
monchmonch..
^-^
Harry Warden is...
DEAD
BUT NOT REALLY!

11:52amTerrell
lol

11:52amSami
he's actually killing people with a pickaxe
BUT THEY THINK THAT ITS POOR OL TOM!!
o-o
poor lil tom..
what will he do?

11:52amTerrell
LolTom

11:52amSami
:)
WRAWR
you're sure he was dead then?
no...
o-o
DAMMIT!
:P
^-^
u-u n_n
MONKEY BUTT
WRAWR
I"MMA EAT YOU!

11:54amTerrell
:3 <3

11:54amSami
<3
POOKAPIKAPOOKAPOO!
^o^
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
tot is a funny word
tototototototototot

11:55amTerrell
lol
I want KEESES! T~T

11:55amSami
:D
WRAWR
^x^
:*
:^)
hehe
he has nose
>:O

11:56amTerrell
Lol x)

11:56amSami
^-^
NYANANANANANANANANAAAAAAAAAA
NYANYANANANANANAAAAAAAAAAAAA
NYANANANANANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
POOKAPIKAPOOKAPOOPIKAPOOKAPIK
o-o
WOW
MOM
WOWMOMWOWMOMWOWMOM
flip it upside down
I dare you..
and it says..
MOMWOWMOMWOWMOMWOW
true story..
o-o
you know you love me.. ^_^

11:58amTerrell
Lol... you're super hyper and bored... a classic Sami combo.
Of COURSE I do! :D

11:58amSami
^-^
OF COURSE you do!
how could you not?
^_^
I LOVE ME MORE!
I mean..
erm..
wait a minute..
o-o

11:59amTerrell
Lol

11:59amSami
xD
who could the creeper be at my window?
hrm
Ionno, I guess I'll just grap shot gun..
oh look

11:59amTerrell
Brb love..

12:00pmSami
its crazy pick axe guy...
POWPOWPOW!!!
STABWITHAXE!
KAPOW!
XS
I KNEW IT!
IT WAS YOU!!
STAB
SHOOT
STAB
SHOOT
POW
STOMP
eeewwww
his last words were...
"Shit"
lovely..
I would say like..
well
ionno what I would say..
I guess it might be shit..
maybe
TOM IS THE ONLY ONE WITHOUT AN ALIBI
TOM DID IT!
WHO PICKAXED THE SHERIFF?
I pickaxed the sheriff!
But I didn't pickaxe the deputy..
o-o
You're still going to jail for life..
BUT... I PICKAXED THE SHERIFF!
BUT I DIDN'T PICKAXE THE DEPUTY!
so.. you still pickaxed the sheriff..
o.o
but I didn't pickaxe the deputy..
I AM THE DEPUTY!
BUT I PICKAXED THE SHERIFF!
o.o
OH MY GOD NO DONT KILL THE SODA!
NOOOO NOT THE FRITOS!!!
eww...
I dun like fritos
they are all icky tasting and stuff..

12:07pmTerrell
o-o

12:07pmSami
^-^
oh hai there

12:08pmTerrell
Oh hai!


12:08pmSami
:D
just a sex
sec

12:09pmTerrell
o-o

12:09pmSami
XD

12:09pmTerrell
lolk

12:09pmSami
ROFL
>:O
ok
brb

12:09pmTerrell
lol

And I was doing so well.. =/

Over the past 6 or so months (excluding this past while) here is what has happened with me-

I went from being extremely asocial, scared of people, self conscious, trying to be invisible and generally anxious and afraid to- Getting tons of friends, my confidence going through the roof, anxiety attacks cut down by at least 4/5, generally happy, social, and generally loving everything.
I used to hide in the library during lunch just to avoid talking to people. I didn't really have any friends at school and I never really talked to the ones I did have. I was having panic attacks 1-3 times a day. (If you've never had an anxiety attack, you couldn't ever imagine how horrible it is. It would get to the point that I began getting anxious but I was so scared of having a panic attack that I would actually get one). It came to a point that the bad in my life outweighed the good by far and I was actually beginning to feel as though I had nothing to live for. I never told anybody about this at the time, and even now only 1 or 2 people know about it.
But then everything flipped for me. I was spending more time with the people I love and care about, I was getting more friends than I've ever had, I little reason to ever be anxious or sad and so I was, well... me! If you know me, really know me, you know that I'm the farthest away from shy or self-conscious there is. You'd know that while it may be hard to believe, I really love myself and the people I so often surround myself with.
This is getting long and far from my point, but I'm just trying to show the contrast between these two people... so hang in there with me..
I was so much happier that, at first, the thought of going back to the way things were before scared me beyond belief. I was so scared of any sign of change in my life, from anxiety, to lack of social activities to stresses in my relationship with Terrell that I would avoid it all completely. And even now, I'm so scared.. especially with the return of some of these feelings, moods... I don't know how to feel about the relationship anymore.
But this time, things are different. I have friends, really good friends, that I can trust to be there for me. People I can talk to and seek advice from. People I can spend time with to take my mind of things. Things are much better. I think...
I'm so anxious now.. so scared.. Panic attacks are coming back, my grades are falling below and acceptable level, I was supposed to be planning a party this past week that I'd forgotten about completely. I've been avoiding my parents (being my dad and ginger) and staying with my mom when possible... Even this weekend, going up north did sound kind of fun, but I couldn't stand the thought. I love them, of course, but whenever I'm talking to them I feel like such a failure. and what reason do I have not to?
I haven't been sleeping either, which doesn't help the whole situation. For a while I'd thought it was just sleep deprivation but now that I'm thinking more clearly, I'm finding that I feel worse. Which is a horrible thought...
Yeah.. enough of this rambling. I doubt anyone will read this anyways, but what better way to vent? At least I'm not keeping people up all night on IM trying to be a good friend and help me solve my stupid little problems. Poor Taylor.. lol..
Ok I'm done :)

Hope you guys are having a good weekend..
Love you!
Sami

I wanna hamster SOOOOOOOOO BADLY!!!!

T-T too bad my parents won't let me have one... x_x