Ugh... yeah, never got back to that...

sorry, I guess I kinda forgot, or got busy or something. It's all been a daze lately. >< I hate it. When you've lost the security of knowing yourself, trusting in what you feel, believing what you say... what's left...
Not to mention I've been too fucking depressed lately to deal with anything... It's as though I'm having a fall back into the way things were before. And It's scary. I know that it's only temporary, and that it'll pass and everything... but that doesn't change just how frightening it is right now. I'm so scared that I'll mess something up, or that I already have, to some unrepairable extent. And that fear, as much as I hate to admit, is completely rational. ><
Dammit... I hate this... I feel so disconnected from everything else, as if nothing is important anymore. I want it to be important, I want to be able to constantly show all the people I love how amazing they are, and how important they are to me... and I try, but still feel as though my efforts are futile. That's a horrid feeling. Ugh.. what is wrong with me!?
Even just talking to people in passing, it's as though I'm not talking, just some pre-programmed unit nodding and smiling... I don't even pay attention to most of what I say anymore... and that scares me the most. And when it is me talking, when I am there, it's either some monotonous "I don't care" type statement, or I completely break down making people think I'm either completely insane, or that something is much more wrong than it is...
Not as though nothing is wrong, obviously things are wrong... but it's not something I can explain. There is no physical, or situational problem... nothing I could ever properly explain to anybody...
Because I cannot explain this, and because if I were to simply say that people wouldn't listen, The response generally consists of either "What did I do?", "What did 'he' do?", or "What can I do?".
And that is just it, you can see just how awesome people I'm around, are. The only thing I can say in response is "Absolutely nothing, and never think otherwise..."
I feel like I've been such a hindrance in the progressing happiness in some people's lives, and I can't stand it. How could I live with myself knowing that the only thing I'll ever be capable of is being a weight upon the people in my life, that are far better than I've ever deserved in the first place. ><
Ugh... I hate this...
So there is my little rant... most of it probably made absolutely no sense.
Don't take it to the heart... because as stated earlier... It's just not something to be taken in that sense.
My Friends(in all aspects)-I love you guys more than you could ever know. You are amazing in every sense, and I hope and pray that your lives are filled with happiness daily.
Anyone else- why are you here? This shouldn't matter enough for you to read it. Weridos...

So with that out of the way, I hope you guys have an amazing week!
~Sami<3